Edinburgh Festival Guide – August 23rd, 2011

First record you ever bought:

      The Jackson Five’s Greatest Hits. I was 11. So were they.

Last extravagant purchase you made:

      Rented a posh cabin in Inverness, California last Christmas. I only wish my wife could have been there.

First film you saw that really moved you:

      I got a schoolboy semi watching Mary Poppins. Must’ve been the brolly.

Last lie you told:

      I don’t read my reviews.

First movie you ever went on a date to:

      Back Off List.

Last time you cried:

      Talking to my agent in Hollywood.

First thing you do when you’ve got time off work:

      Light one up. Medicinal of course.

Last great meal you cooked:

      My wife is the genius of the kitchen. She made tiger prawns with saffron rice.

First crush:

      Sheila Damir – you don’t know her. On TV, Diana Rigg.

Last book you read:

      Arrian’s The Campaigns of Alexander the Great

First great piece of advice you were given:

      Never quit, take time off, never quit.

Last time you were star struck:

      I am friends with Debbie Harry. She came to see my show in New York and wore silver sneakers. I swooned.

First thing you’d do if you ran the country:

      Tax the rich, remove all the CCTV cameras and make war unprofitable.

Last meal on earth – what would it be:

      Steak frites. Crème Brulee. Red wine.

First song you’ll sing at karaoke:

      ‘Head Over Heels’ by Tears for Fears.

Last time you exploited your position to get something:

      Got a better table at a tapas bar in Denver last week. Pretty big.

First time you realised you were famous:

      When someone yelled from a window in the Grassmarket, ‘Big love, Greg!’

Last time someone criticised your work:

      They ended up disappeared.

First three words your friends would use to describe you:

      Loud, long-winded, sage.

Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it:

      Crappy headphones from a big vending machine at an airport. What a rip off.

First concert you ever attended:

      My dad took us to see Jimmy Durante when I was six. Google him, he was in Vaudeville.

Last time you bought someone flowers:

      Last week my wife and yes we dance together as well.

First object you’d save from your burning home:

      My weed.

Last funny thing you saw online:

      Hollywood A**hole on Atomic Wedgie.

First job:

      Paper boy.

Last person in the world you’d sleep with:

      Rupert Murdoch.

First word you spoke:

      Cocktail?

Last crime you committed:

      Smuggling.

First song at your (potential) wedding:

      ‘Just in Time’ by Dean Martin.

Last song at your funeral:

      ‘Save it For Later’ by The English Beat.

First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech:

      The President of Show Business.

Last thing you recommended to someone:

      Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning:

      Coffee and world domination.

Last thing you think of before you go to sleep:

      Brekkie.

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